Anatomy Scan January 26, 2011

I went in today for our 20 week anatomy scan. As you should know, we had found out a lot earlier that this little baby was supposedly going to be a girl, well, that was confirmed very clearly when we took a peak! Just like her sister, Olivia was adament about not giving us a good profile picture to bring home, but we were able to see her cute little face every time she would kick and punch and roll around in there…must have been the gallon of SunnyD I drank before the appointment haha. Everything measured great, right on track with where I should be except for her legs being a bit tiny, but that’s completely normal at this stage. We just got ourselves a little shorty 🙂 Her heart was going strong at 152 bpm and she was nearly a whole pound! I am so proud of my growing little miracle! I am ecstatic that everything is going so well with her and couldnt be more happy that in just a few months, my darling princess will be in my arms!!

As for myself, I am still unable to get a prescription for God knows what reason. My doctor was actually quite furious when I told him I STILL havent received it and so he set me up with more weekly IV treatments. From now on, I’ll be going in three times a week for a shot of zofran and some always needed fluids. He said he would personally call and figure out whats holding up the medication and told me I shouldnt have to suffer with out it for much longer. We also discussed how after my next appointment in four weeks that I will start going in weekly for NST and more ultrasounds! I was happy to hear the last part of that, I really didnt expect to get another look at her while pregnant. He made me feel very comfortable and optimistic, for once, that everything is going to be ok 🙂 Oh, and I am not having ANY trouble putting on and keeping on this weight anymore, even with the CONSTANT vomiting! I gained another four pounds, bringing myself up to 120lbs!!!! OMG!! Maybe I am gaining so much because I lost so much at first…? I am only just finally to my prepregnancy weight, at nearly 21 weeks lol, I guess I cant really complain that much.

So for now, I’m very pleased with how everything is going…always so freaking HAPPY to feel that little girl squirming around inside of me 🙂 I love her with all of my heart and finding out that everything is going completely according to plan as of now has just made my entire year. Being sick is so much easier to deal with when I’m not worrying about her all of the time…SHE IS FINE lol so that makes me just fine too.

Here are a few pictures for you guys to enjoy! The first is PROOF she is allllll girl lol. The second shows her scratchin her leg, the third is of her spine and the last one is some fun stats they gave me! Hopefully with the next ultrasound, we’ll get some good shots of her beautiful face 🙂

Thanks for reading everyone!

Doctors Appointment Update December 29, 2010

I had my second appointment with my new OB today. It went less than satisfactory, to say the least. We got in more quickly than ever but as soon as I started addressing the numerous things I was concerned about, I realized that everything is “normal.” Everything apparently. This insane cramping is the only thing that worries me, no matter how much water I drink or how comfortable I make myself, they are still there. I UNDERSTAND that cramping is normal in pregnancy, but I am in pain and would like reassurance that everything is OK. I need more than “its normal” because I do not see other people doubling over like this without getting more than flimsy verbal answers. Everything else that I mentioned he brushed off as perfectly fine too, which only upset me because I really though this guy was going to be different. I thought he was going to make me feel like he cares about me and my baby and our well being! well, my well being is on a downward spiral when I’m nervous on top of stressed…I just fee like I keep getting kicked when I’m down.

My doctor also wouldnt sign off on a paper explaining my sickness and the fact that I am unable to work as of now. I WANT to work, I mean, I feel so inadequate all the time because I’m not helping provide for my family right now and it just makes me sick. IM SICK OF BEING SO FUCKING SICK!! He said since I’m not on bed rest or to stay off of my feet because of preterm labor that he cant. It just broke me in half when he said that! We dont qualify for ANY assistance even though I am pregnant, unemployed and living off of one income all because I go to school full time…all because I am trying to better my future! If we want to be able to qualify for anything, I would either have to drop out of school or get a full time job….#@I%Y!! IF I HAD A FULL TIME JOB, WE WOULDNT NEED HELP AND WE STILL WOULDNT QUALIFY! lol I seriously dont fucking get it! How the hell can EVERYONE get assistance at the drop of a hat, even those who dont need it or arent trying to help themselves in any way.. us though, we work our asses off to better our futures and get denied for help when we only need it through these hard times! I just hate fucking everything right now. I dont know what to do sometimes and all of this is so overwhelming….I wish I could just run far far away for a while.

I guess I’ll wrap up this pity party (and foul language, my bad lol) and give you some good news, that the baby’s heartbeat was strong in the 160’s and I even gained 4 pounds! I am still under my prepregnancy weight but I am happy to be on the right track back up…I am scared to death to see what happens when I run out of pills since my preauthorization STILL hasnt went through, but apparently doctor douche is working on that so we’ll see.. Oh and our princess finally has a name, Olivia Mae 🙂 my little Olive.

Thanks for following 🙂

My Christmas Angels December 16, 2010

I guess I could have posted this with my last update, but staring at this computer screen can get me quite nauseous sometimes. I have been to the ER quite a bit recently due to not being able to manage my hyperemesis. I call EVERY SINGLE DAY to see if my zofran has been approved and the only bump in my road is damn medicaid. I dont understand why they wont avoid my multiple trips to the ER that cost them thousands of dollars when they could approve my pills and save a TON!! I honestly dont get it. I was in the ER December 6th and more recently the 11th and then yesterday, the 14th. The first two times I was just given a bunch of fluids and medication there and sent home with another prescription I cant fill.

 

Yesterday when I decided to go in, I was doing really horrible. I had thrown up all night, so much that I was shaking, feeling faint and starting to taste blood in my emesis. I called my doctor who told me that he see’s my medication as being approved which just made me scream inside. IT IS NOT APPROVED, I call daily and I would definitely know if it were ready! He told me to go to the ER since I was already at the point of no return when it comes to this hell I live in. I walked in the ER and could literally see the staff sigh, looking like they really just dont want to deal with me again. I hate that feeling. They admitted me quickly which was nice and knew to start an IV before asking me many questions or worrying about vital signs that could be handled later. I was shocked when the nurse got my vein her very first try and had brought with her a miracle shot of zofran AND phenergan, before I even had to ask! lol I guess I am just becoming too routine for them.

 

Well, after getting all my vitals and answering the novel of questions they always have, I was able to fall asleep for the first time in what felt like days. I woke up every time the blood pressure cuff started to squeeze but just waking up and not puking immediately was more rest than I could have asked for or expected really. My amazing nurse Danna checked on me frequently, keeping my hydrated and well medicated. She told me her and a few other nurses were not going to let me leave without a prescription for my zofran (they know the issues with that and my insurance) and said that they were going down to the pharmacy to see how much they needed to pool together for a script. I pay $22 dollars out of pocket for ONE PILL every time I have got one since Thanksgiving. I figured these nurses would get me three or so pills at that rate, but I dont know if they get some sort of special deal or not. When they discharged me, Danna brought me my script of THIRTY zofran dissolvables! This easily would have cost me over $600 at $22 a pop! I started crying, these nurses and this lady are definitely my Christmas Angels this year!!!

 

I hugged her before I left and she told me that as much as she enjoyed me, dont come back! lol I really dont want to go back either, so I had no problem complying. I took my first pill that night and didnt puke for the longest time. I still slept horribly, but when I woke I didnt throw up nearly as much as I have been. There was a drastic decrease! Today I took another pill and its been another gloriously nauseated day haha. I still feel like absolute hell, my skin is still pale and my undereyes black, I havent gained nearly any of the 15 lbs back and this nausea is going to last foooorevvverrr….but I feel 10000x’s better than I have, even with all of that. How sad? I plan on writing the staff that helped me yesterday, giving them my most sincere THANK YOU that I could ever give…They really have no idea just how much they affected my holiday season 😀 and, I still have 38 pills!!

 

I feel like this next half of my post is changing pace a bit, a little more unhappy, I guess. These past few weeks have been especially hard. Not so much with just being sick, but with my depression. I am not depressed to a point where I would need any “help” with anything, I just have a lot going on. Maybe stress would be a better way of explaining it. I guess its just always feeling like I do, like a burden for the most part, combined with not being able to do ANY of my normal everyday activities just kills me. Things have been really tense around the house on both Jim and my end. He gets so upset when I am sick because there isnt anything he can do which makes me more upset than anything. I feel like I am making him unhappy, but how could I be making him happy right now? I’m pretty worthless as of this moment. I cant cook or stand the smell without throwing up, I cant clean the house nearly as often as I’d like and I cant even keep a job right now. We hardly sleep in the same bed anymore because the tiny movements wake me up and then I am sick and I even though I shower usually twice a day, I havent got ready in forever. This is all true with or without my pills, too. I am afraid that having these pills are going to make my family think that I am cured now or something, which is far from the truth. It’s just helpful for surviving the damn day. I am very thankful for even that small relief though.

 

I just feel sad. Stressed. I want to be that girl Jim fell in love with, someone he didnt have to take care of all the time. Someone that doesnt pull him and his mood down without even trying or the person that he just has to just deal with because we are having a kid together. I hurt to even think that, but I am just want what is best for HIM. I want him to be happy and I dont feel like I am giving him that even when I am giving him my all 😦 We have always had the best communication in the world, we just know what each other are thinking. I just want to communicate to him now that he means the absolute world to me. All I want is his and our child’s happiness…if I could guarantee that for the rest of both their lives I would. I love you Jim, Riley and Baby no name 😀 more than all of the stars in the sky.

It’s (probably) a….. December 15, 2010

GIRL!!! I know this is super late, but I guess my posts have been falling more and more behind as I get farther along. That is no good, I’ll be better at it I promise 🙂 Anywho, on December 8th, I went in for my first trimester downs/turner’s scan to check  the probability. I was a day away from 14 weeks so I asked the ultrasound tech if she knew anything about the “nub theory” which she didnt, but she said that another woman had asked her about that too in the session before me and that she was really curious to research it now! She showed us that beautiful little heartbeat and commented on everything we were looking at. I love techs like that, some can be so quiet and unfriendly, making me think something is wrong.

She tried to get a good profile picture but our little one is just like it’s sister, too shy for a face shot but when you get to those legs, BAM wide open lol…I’m not too sure if I should be worried about that just yet lol 😉 The tech asked if we wanted to know the gender and my heart dropped, OF COURSE I DO! lol She said that she is positive its a girl, but to be safe she will say she is 90% sure lol. We promised we wouldnt buy anything anyways since we already have WAYYYYYY too much little girl stuff as is, so the only thing I get to buy unless a magical little wiener grows is diapers and wipes lol. I was just so shocked, both pregnancies I have been sure that they were boys, like I have said to a number of people, my motherly intuition must be off or something. I didnt even think there was a possibility of me having another little girl since that would just make things to easy and cheap for us hahahah but I am very excited to have a chance at being the mom my mom was for me…my best friend 🙂 I want that relationship so badly with my own!

We got results back yesterday for the ultrasound on the 8th, the nurse told me that everything had looked outstanding and that the chances of the baby having downs or turners is 1 in 10,000!! That made me happy since the neck had been measuring large at my ten week ultrasound. It would not have phased me to raise a child that needed extra attention, not in the least. But its nice to have a slim chance of having to deal with that; I feel like I have been through enough hell to last me a lifetime already, I dont need to deal with anything more if possible!!!

Here are some pictures of our little Princess so far 🙂 We have another ultrasound at the beginning of January to make sure there is no little shmeckle growing down there hahaha

I am so in love with this baby, its ridiculous. I love my children with all of my heart, I would do anything to have them both in my arms right now. I cant wait to start living my life as the mama I have been preparing to be for a while now, I am ready to give all of this love I have to this child 🙂

Thanks for reading, everyone!

New Doctor November 30, 2010

I had my appointment early this morning with Dustin Hughes. We got there a bit early, just excited to see someone who is going to listen to me finally. Well, turns out this is an extremely busy little practice and with only two doctors, my scheduled time ended up being more of a wait then I would have liked. It wasnt that bad, not nearly as long of a wait as the last place…and once I was back everything went pretty quickly. I was given a urine sample and then Jim and I discussed my last pregnancy and more about Riley with the nurse. I love when people, knowing that Riley is gone, make the initiative to talk about her. It makes me feel like they arent uncomfortable and immediately helps me to open up. We talked about why I made the switch from my last OB while she took my blood pressure (which was fine 🙂 ) and then she was off to get the doctor.

The doctor returned shortly after she left. He let me say everything that I wanted to say about everything: why I made my switch, my previous loss, my needs and wants for this pregnancy and how I feel about everything. After he listened to me finish everything I needed to say, he began to explain things that my last OB never took the time to. He explained that the PICC line will really only be beneficial if I am still losing weight at my next appointment. I gained 2lbs since my last appointment, which he said is impressive with me in the state that I’m in. That shows that I am absorbing what I am able to eat though, and so at this point a PICC line isnt imperative. I will, however, need to be going in about three times a week for IV fluid treatments. This will hopefully take the edge off of the days in between treatments as well as keep me from becoming too dehydrated. He told me that medicaid doesnt cover a zofran pump, but that if it came down to it that he would give me a PICC and we’d get the help we need.

Dustin also explained that the baby isnt being harmed by all of my throwing up. He said that as of right now, the baby is stealing everything it needs from me and from my “reserves” in fat and such. The baby wont need much more calories or anything until I am farther along, so now I can relax a bit from thinking I am hurting it and just take care of myself. He told me that right now its important that I just eat what I can, when I can because he understands how difficult even that can be sometimes. He didnt suggest any dumb natural remedies because he UNDERSTANDS that wont help! It was such a relief for him not to push ginger on me or hassle me about dry toast. I just need to do my own thing, and he gets that. We then listened to the baby’s heartbeat which was in the 160’s and then he wrote me a script for zofran (that I later dropped off at a pharmacy to STILL HAVE ISSUES WITH PRIOR AUTH!!! Damned medicaid is killing me, I am so fucking tired of them!)

Anyways, before I left he discussed a few other things that I had on my mind and then finally sent me over t0 the hospital for some lab work. He wanted to run some blood tests just to check some possible causes of demise with Riley. He said that everything on her autopsy came back normal and that it was obviously a placental abruption that cased her to pass, but he said that a blood disease, lupas or another issue might have played a part in it. This is obviously just another step so that we can rule out more causes of death and not finding anything wrong would be a great thing, even if it would make it harder to deal with still. I cant believe something like that could just happen, but if there isnt a cause, then so be it. I’m just that part of the statistic.

Things left off great with Dustin, I am happy to finally have been heard. Now all I can do is take care of myself like I have been doing and trust that if it gets any worse, he will take the steps needed to take care of me and my baby. Even if I am just going to have to be sick this entire time again, I know it will be worth it since this time Baby is coming home with me. This time, I get to be a mommy.

holiday blues, already. November 25, 2010

I dropped off my medications on Tuesday before I ran completely out of my zofran. Oh my Lord, I did NOT realize how much zofran helps until I didnt, DONT, have it. I was given my promethazine and some suppositories that I know for a fact dont help me but my zofran was YET AGAIN needing reauthorized before I could get it. I didnt find this out until yesterday when I went to pick it up and I spent the entire afternoon calling everyone everywhere that I could to try and get this before the freaking holiday! The insurance company tells me to call my doctor, who tells me to call the pharmacy, who tells me to call my insurance….its just a fucking never ending cycle that just pisses me 0ff to the max!!!!!!!! The insurance finally just gave me 3 pills for free and told me that they still need to wait on something from my doctor till I can get more….THREE FUCKING PILLS until Monday. They arent even the dissolvable kind so its like, pointless! My doctor could care less since I’m basically not their problem anymore. Told me go to the ER if its “really” that bad. I spent all of last night crying  my eyes out. I was SOOOOO looking forward to Thanksgiving today, and now I’m left with no pills, no help, I am pretty much dreading it.

I BLEW UP!! November 22, 2010

This morning, I woke up with a tiny little bump where my abs used to be! hahah it was just a bloated looking belly, but its hard and I can officially no longer “suck it in.” I know it’s soon, but I’m so tiny right now that I’m not surprised really…I am ready for a real big bump now! I hear everything happens a little sooner with subsequent pregnancies. That excited me sooooo much because I am already so ready to have this baby. I want to feel it kick already! I want to feel those hiccups and punches to the ribs..I cant wait to find out what this bug is and start getting completely ready for their arrival!!

This bug just gave me a bit more of a purpose…gave me reasons to wake up and reasons to better my life. I cant wait to meet you, bug. I love you so much already. annnnd here is the tummy! what a difference in only a week?!!!!!!

 

Its been a while… November 20, 2010

since my last post. Lots has gone on, with my hyperemesis still ruling my life. I was admitted into the ER at one point before my scheduled doctor visit on November 11th, given medicine to stop my vomiting and IV fluids because I am always dehydrated. When the 11th finally came, I found out I was meeting with yet another doctor I hadn’t met before.. Jim and Linda went with me and we were all thrilled to see the baby on the ultrasound, waving and kickin like crazy 🙂 The tech told us she couldnt see anymore bleeds in my uterus and that the baby’s heartbeat was a strong 176. I know its just an old wives tale, but that high of a heartbeat was the first time I considered the possibility that this could be a girl haha. Well, after the ultrasound, we finally met the new doctor and she went over a few things with us.

Here are a few pictures from the ultrasound 🙂

First of all, she told me that even though I started this pregnancy off at 121 lbs and now weight 108 lbs, the fact that I cant eat or drink anything unless I want it coming back up and even though I am giving myself black eyes and going crazy trying to keep myself and baby healthy that at-home care was still unnecessary. She said the risks of a PICC line outweighed the benefits it could provide to me….benefits like nutrients to me and my unborn child, hydration when I most definitely always need it and saving my veins from becoming a horrendously torn apart mess. I was so distraught, how could she not want to help me?! She did finally suggest that I go into the hospital three times a week for IV treatments. Thats great, but what about the other four days I am sick!?

Secondly, the doctor vaguely explained something about fetal nuchal translucency.  She said that in the weeks 11-14 you can get the baby scanned to check for downs and turners syndrome and suggested that already being high risk that we schedule a date get that done. We did with Riley as well, I mean, it would just be nice to know and prepare in case something were to be different. Jim and I discussed what would happen if  something were to be wrong and there is no doubt in our minds that we wouldnt love and cherish our child. Losing a child was the hardest thing in the entire world…taking care of a child that needed more attention would be a BLESSING compared to what could happen. We both truly feel like God is taking care of us and our little angle is keeping a close eye as well.

The doctor wanted me to go over to the hospital and have labs drawn. I was only done doing that for five minutes when that doctor called me back and said that they have a room for me at St. Lukes, that I would have to be hospitalized. I was really upset, I hate staying at the hospital. It directly goes back to why the hell should I not be allowed home care if I am constantly in the ER or being hospitalized?! When I got to the hospital, I was poked 5 times before they got a good vein and even that one had to be moved after that vein exploded. Unfortunately, the OBGYN Associates doctors work on call at St. Luke’s so when they would want to do anything for me, they would ask them…UGH!!! I was in so much pain and utter frustration that I couldnt help but discharge myself as soon as everything was manageable from home.  The picture below shows the after math of what my poor forearm had to take. THAT IS FROM IV’s!!!! DO I STILL NOT NEED A PICC?!

I saw YET ANOTHER doctor on the 18th who told me that she has a “proven cure” for hyperemesis. I just about laughed in her face when she told me that all there was to it was keeping your stomach full at all times, not drinking water, taking the same medicine that is already failing me and ginger?!?! HOLY SHIT, did that doctor just sound like she was the most uninformed person in the world. If she knew ANYTHING about hyperemesis, she would know that it is impossible for me to have my stomach full at ANY time, let alone all the time. She’s know that ginger makes me gag and brings on my sickness because that is a trigger for my gagging…people can have different triggers and I just seem to have all of em. I’m just so freaking sick of people thinking that this is morning sickness or that it will let up or go away eventually. I pray for that everyday but it is not going to happen until I pop this kid out! So that appointment was nearly pointless, except to find out that I have kept on a steady 108 lbs for a week now and I did get to hear that heartbeat again 🙂 170, still high and strong and music to mommy’s ears 🙂 I am so in love with you, little bug.

 

I have a weight check and nurse visit next week right before the holidays and then I see the new doctor on the 30th!!!!!!!!! I am beyond ecstatic to see the Hughes’, I really just have such high expectations for them. Hopefully between now and then I can gain a pound or fifteen haha I do have two Thanksgiving dinners to go to so it could happen!! 🙂

 

Unemployed November 2, 2010

Well, I guess we all knew this was coming sooner than later. How could I keep my job and never go? I’m not as upset as I thought I would be being “unemployed” but I am rather upset to be leaving it all on Jim. I know, I know…We have made it before and he wont mind, he doesnt mind. That doesnt mean that I dont feel some guilt. I will be working on my photography and school more frequently now though, and both of those can bring me in some income if I just DO IT!!! I am happy to not have to struggle into work anymore. I can relax, take the time that I always need to get well during the day and take care of my little Bugger.

I called my general practitioner today and had her send over a referral to a high risk doctor named Juliet Hughes. I have heard wonderful wonderful things about this woman and her husband (who run an OB/GYN together) and cannot wait until she is in charge of what goes on for me and Bug. I know she will take care of us and make me feel comfortable when I am scared. Unlike the doctors that I currently have, who have never really been there for me. My current OB, who I wont name only so she isnt thoroughly embarrassed if she ever comes across this, is horrible. The entire practice treats you like a number and if you arent through the line quickly enough then your number is pushed back.

With my last pregnancy, my doctor didnt even deliver Riley. All the medical personnel who was supposed to be there decided that the on-call staff could handle me since it wanst a live birth, I guess. No one discussed options with me, no one was compassionate about my wants for the birth and it seemed like hardly any one cared that I was at the deepest part of hell I could get find. This pregnancy, they have given me little reason to believe that they ever cared at all. They do not care to comfort me, never did really. Sure, I am getting alright care, but only because I am absolutely demanding it this time. I have shown up for nearly every appointment only to have to wait forever, be quickly passed through the office and then out the door with questions that I forgot to ask…..

And God FORBID that you have to call the after hours emergency line!! Oh, God, was that a mistake. I have been calling the pharmacy and my doctor back and forth, back and forth, BACK AND FORTH trying to get my medication to go through! The damned doctors kept forgetting to send in a complete pre-authorization and now apparently my freaking insurance has to accept it still, which could take days. I am just so frustrated that they didnt do it right the first time, so I have to suffer. Well, I decide to call the after hours line to see what I should do (meaning, do I go into the ER or just drink a bunch of water, because I AM dehydrated) and the doctor got super pissy telling me this line was for emergencies!!! I started balling and yelling really, before I just hung up. I really hope that this will just all be fixed when I finally see Juliet. Well, I guess its about time to hit the hay….I will update more when I am not falling asleep at the keys 🙂

ggrrrrrrrooowll (says my tummy) November 1, 2010

I have never wanted a McDouble or Big Mac as badly as I do right now 😦 That is all I would like to say.