Building my Baby

a blog following me through the ups, downs, joys and woes of pregnancy.

Doctors Appointment Update December 29, 2010

Filed under: Ramblings,Updates — shinkmama @ 3:39 pm

I had my second appointment with my new OB today. It went less than satisfactory, to say the least. We got in more quickly than ever but as soon as I started addressing the numerous things I was concerned about, I realized that everything is “normal.” Everything apparently. This insane cramping is the only thing that worries me, no matter how much water I drink or how comfortable I make myself, they are still there. I UNDERSTAND that cramping is normal in pregnancy, but I am in pain and would like reassurance that everything is OK. I need more than “its normal” because I do not see other people doubling over like this without getting more than flimsy verbal answers. Everything else that I mentioned he brushed off as perfectly fine too, which only upset me because I really though this guy was going to be different. I thought he was going to make me feel like he cares about me and my baby and our well being! well, my well being is on a downward spiral when I’m nervous on top of stressed…I just fee like I keep getting kicked when I’m down.

My doctor also wouldnt sign off on a paper explaining my sickness and the fact that I am unable to work as of now. I WANT to work, I mean, I feel so inadequate all the time because I’m not helping provide for my family right now and it just makes me sick. IM SICK OF BEING SO FUCKING SICK!! He said since I’m not on bed rest or to stay off of my feet because of preterm labor that he cant. It just broke me in half when he said that! We dont qualify for ANY assistance even though I am pregnant, unemployed and living off of one income all because I go to school full time…all because I am trying to better my future! If we want to be able to qualify for anything, I would either have to drop out of school or get a full time job….#@I%Y!! IF I HAD A FULL TIME JOB, WE WOULDNT NEED HELP AND WE STILL WOULDNT QUALIFY! lol I seriously dont fucking get it! How the hell can EVERYONE get assistance at the drop of a hat, even those who dont need it or arent trying to help themselves in any way.. us though, we work our asses off to better our futures and get denied for help when we only need it through these hard times! I just hate fucking everything right now. I dont know what to do sometimes and all of this is so overwhelming….I wish I could just run far far away for a while.

I guess I’ll wrap up this pity party (and foul language, my bad lol) and give you some good news, that the baby’s heartbeat was strong in the 160’s and I even gained 4 pounds! I am still under my prepregnancy weight but I am happy to be on the right track back up…I am scared to death to see what happens when I run out of pills since my preauthorization STILL hasnt went through, but apparently doctor douche is working on that so we’ll see.. Oh and our princess finally has a name, Olivia Mae πŸ™‚ my little Olive.

Thanks for following πŸ™‚

 

My Christmas Angels December 16, 2010

Filed under: Ramblings,Updates — shinkmama @ 4:09 am

I guess I could have posted this with my last update, but staring at this computer screen can get me quite nauseous sometimes. I have been to the ER quite a bit recently due to not being able to manage my hyperemesis. I call EVERY SINGLE DAY to see if my zofran has been approved and the only bump in my road is damn medicaid. I dont understand why they wont avoid my multiple trips to the ER that cost them thousands of dollars when they could approve my pills and save a TON!! I honestly dont get it. I was in the ER December 6th and more recently the 11th and then yesterday, the 14th. The first two times I was just given a bunch of fluids and medication there and sent home with another prescription I cant fill.

 

Yesterday when I decided to go in, I was doing really horrible. I had thrown up all night, so much that I was shaking, feeling faint and starting to taste blood in my emesis. I called my doctor who told me that he see’s my medication as being approved which just made me scream inside. IT IS NOT APPROVED, I call daily and I would definitely know if it were ready! He told me to go to the ER since I was already at the point of no return when it comes to this hell I live in. I walked in the ER and could literally see the staff sigh, looking like they really just dont want to deal with me again. I hate that feeling. They admitted me quickly which was nice and knew to start an IV before asking me many questions or worrying about vital signs that could be handled later. I was shocked when the nurse got my vein her very first try and had brought with her a miracle shot of zofran AND phenergan, before I even had to ask! lol I guess I am just becoming too routine for them.

 

Well, after getting all my vitals and answering the novel of questions they always have, I was able to fall asleep for the first time in what felt like days. I woke up every time the blood pressure cuff started to squeeze but just waking up and not puking immediately was more rest than I could have asked for or expected really. My amazing nurse Danna checked on me frequently, keeping my hydrated and well medicated. She told me her and a few other nurses were not going to let me leave without a prescription for my zofran (they know the issues with that and my insurance) and said that they were going down to the pharmacy to see how much they needed to pool together for a script. I pay $22 dollars out of pocket for ONE PILL every time I have got one since Thanksgiving. I figured these nurses would get me three or so pills at that rate, but I dont know if they get some sort of special deal or not. When they discharged me, Danna brought me my script of THIRTY zofran dissolvables! This easily would have cost me over $600 at $22 a pop! I started crying, these nurses and this lady are definitely my Christmas Angels this year!!!

 

I hugged her before I left and she told me that as much as she enjoyed me, dont come back! lol I really dont want to go back either, so I had no problem complying. I took my first pill that night and didnt puke for the longest time. I still slept horribly, but when I woke I didnt throw up nearly as much as I have been. There was a drastic decrease! Today I took another pill and its been another gloriously nauseated day haha. I still feel like absolute hell, my skin is still pale and my undereyes black, I havent gained nearly any of the 15 lbs back and this nausea is going to last foooorevvverrr….but I feel 10000x’s better than I have, even with all of that. How sad? I plan on writing the staff that helped me yesterday, giving them my most sincere THANK YOU that I could ever give…They really have no idea just how much they affected my holiday season πŸ˜€ and, I still have 38 pills!!

 

I feel like this next half of my post is changing pace a bit, a little more unhappy, I guess. These past few weeks have been especially hard. Not so much with just being sick, but with my depression. I am not depressed to a point where I would need any “help” with anything, I just have a lot going on. Maybe stress would be a better way of explaining it. I guess its just always feeling like I do, like a burden for the most part, combined with not being able to do ANY of my normal everyday activities just kills me. Things have been really tense around the house on both Jim and my end. He gets so upset when I am sick because there isnt anything he can do which makes me more upset than anything. I feel like I am making him unhappy, but how could I be making him happy right now? I’m pretty worthless as of this moment. I cant cook or stand the smell without throwing up, I cant clean the house nearly as often as I’d like and I cant even keep a job right now. We hardly sleep in the same bed anymore because the tiny movements wake me up and then I am sick and I even though I shower usually twice a day, I havent got ready in forever. This is all true with or without my pills, too. I am afraid that having these pills are going to make my family think that I am cured now or something, which is far from the truth. It’s just helpful for surviving the damn day. I am very thankful for even that small relief though.

 

I just feel sad. Stressed. I want to be that girl Jim fell in love with, someone he didnt have to take care of all the time. Someone that doesnt pull him and his mood down without even trying or the person that he just has to just deal with because we are having a kid together. I hurt to even think that, but I am just want what is best for HIM. I want him to be happy and I dont feel like I am giving him that even when I am giving him my all 😦 We have always had the best communication in the world, we just know what each other are thinking. I just want to communicate to him now that he means the absolute world to me. All I want is his and our child’s happiness…if I could guarantee that for the rest of both their lives I would. I love you Jim, Riley and Baby no name πŸ˜€ more than all of the stars in the sky.

 

It’s (probably) a….. December 15, 2010

Filed under: Updates — shinkmama @ 2:33 am

GIRL!!! I know this is super late, but I guess my posts have been falling more and more behind as I get farther along. That is no good, I’ll be better at it I promise πŸ™‚ Anywho, on December 8th, I went in for my first trimester downs/turner’s scan to checkΒ  the probability. I was a day away from 14 weeks so I asked the ultrasound tech if she knew anything about the “nub theory” which she didnt, but she said that another woman had asked her about that too in the session before me and that she was really curious to research it now! She showed us that beautiful little heartbeat and commented on everything we were looking at. I love techs like that, some can be so quiet and unfriendly, making me think something is wrong.

She tried to get a good profile picture but our little one is just like it’s sister, too shy for a face shot but when you get to those legs, BAM wide open lol…I’m not too sure if I should be worried about that just yet lol πŸ˜‰ The tech asked if we wanted to know the gender and my heart dropped, OF COURSE I DO! lol She said that she is positive its a girl, but to be safe she will say she is 90% sure lol. We promised we wouldnt buy anything anyways since we already have WAYYYYYY too much little girl stuff as is, so the only thing I get to buy unless a magical little wiener grows is diapers and wipes lol. I was just so shocked, both pregnancies I have been sure that they were boys, like I have said to a number of people, my motherly intuition must be off or something. I didnt even think there was a possibility of me having another little girl since that would just make things to easy and cheap for us hahahah but I am very excited to have a chance at being the mom my mom was for me…my best friend πŸ™‚ I want that relationship so badly with my own!

We got results back yesterday for the ultrasound on the 8th, the nurse told me that everything had looked outstanding and that the chances of the baby having downs or turners is 1 in 10,000!! That made me happy since the neck had been measuring large at my ten week ultrasound. It would not have phased me to raise a child that needed extra attention, not in the least. But its nice to have a slim chance of having to deal with that; I feel like I have been through enough hell to last me a lifetime already, I dont need to deal with anything more if possible!!!

Here are some pictures of our little Princess so far πŸ™‚ We have another ultrasound at the beginning of January to make sure there is no little shmeckle growing down there hahaha

I am so in love with this baby, its ridiculous. I love my children with all of my heart, I would do anything to have them both in my arms right now. I cant wait to start living my life as the mama I have been preparing to be for a while now, I am ready to give all of this love I have to this child πŸ™‚

Thanks for reading, everyone!