I guess I could have posted this with my last update, but staring at this computer screen can get me quite nauseous sometimes. I have been to the ER quite a bit recently due to not being able to manage my hyperemesis. I call EVERY SINGLE DAY to see if my zofran has been approved and the only bump in my road is damn medicaid. I dont understand why they wont avoid my multiple trips to the ER that cost them thousands of dollars when they could approve my pills and save a TON!! I honestly dont get it. I was in the ER December 6th and more recently the 11th and then yesterday, the 14th. The first two times I was just given a bunch of fluids and medication there and sent home with another prescription I cant fill.
Yesterday when I decided to go in, I was doing really horrible. I had thrown up all night, so much that I was shaking, feeling faint and starting to taste blood in my emesis. I called my doctor who told me that he see’s my medication as being approved which just made me scream inside. IT IS NOT APPROVED, I call daily and I would definitely know if it were ready! He told me to go to the ER since I was already at the point of no return when it comes to this hell I live in. I walked in the ER and could literally see the staff sigh, looking like they really just dont want to deal with me again. I hate that feeling. They admitted me quickly which was nice and knew to start an IV before asking me many questions or worrying about vital signs that could be handled later. I was shocked when the nurse got my vein her very first try and had brought with her a miracle shot of zofran AND phenergan, before I even had to ask! lol I guess I am just becoming too routine for them.
Well, after getting all my vitals and answering the novel of questions they always have, I was able to fall asleep for the first time in what felt like days. I woke up every time the blood pressure cuff started to squeeze but just waking up and not puking immediately was more rest than I could have asked for or expected really. My amazing nurse Danna checked on me frequently, keeping my hydrated and well medicated. She told me her and a few other nurses were not going to let me leave without a prescription for my zofran (they know the issues with that and my insurance) and said that they were going down to the pharmacy to see how much they needed to pool together for a script. I pay $22 dollars out of pocket for ONE PILL every time I have got one since Thanksgiving. I figured these nurses would get me three or so pills at that rate, but I dont know if they get some sort of special deal or not. When they discharged me, Danna brought me my script of THIRTY zofran dissolvables! This easily would have cost me over $600 at $22 a pop! I started crying, these nurses and this lady are definitely my Christmas Angels this year!!!
I hugged her before I left and she told me that as much as she enjoyed me, dont come back! lol I really dont want to go back either, so I had no problem complying. I took my first pill that night and didnt puke for the longest time. I still slept horribly, but when I woke I didnt throw up nearly as much as I have been. There was a drastic decrease! Today I took another pill and its been another gloriously nauseated day haha. I still feel like absolute hell, my skin is still pale and my undereyes black, I havent gained nearly any of the 15 lbs back and this nausea is going to last foooorevvverrr….but I feel 10000x’s better than I have, even with all of that. How sad? I plan on writing the staff that helped me yesterday, giving them my most sincere THANK YOU that I could ever give…They really have no idea just how much they affected my holiday season 😀 and, I still have 38 pills!!
I feel like this next half of my post is changing pace a bit, a little more unhappy, I guess. These past few weeks have been especially hard. Not so much with just being sick, but with my depression. I am not depressed to a point where I would need any “help” with anything, I just have a lot going on. Maybe stress would be a better way of explaining it. I guess its just always feeling like I do, like a burden for the most part, combined with not being able to do ANY of my normal everyday activities just kills me. Things have been really tense around the house on both Jim and my end. He gets so upset when I am sick because there isnt anything he can do which makes me more upset than anything. I feel like I am making him unhappy, but how could I be making him happy right now? I’m pretty worthless as of this moment. I cant cook or stand the smell without throwing up, I cant clean the house nearly as often as I’d like and I cant even keep a job right now. We hardly sleep in the same bed anymore because the tiny movements wake me up and then I am sick and I even though I shower usually twice a day, I havent got ready in forever. This is all true with or without my pills, too. I am afraid that having these pills are going to make my family think that I am cured now or something, which is far from the truth. It’s just helpful for surviving the damn day. I am very thankful for even that small relief though.
I just feel sad. Stressed. I want to be that girl Jim fell in love with, someone he didnt have to take care of all the time. Someone that doesnt pull him and his mood down without even trying or the person that he just has to just deal with because we are having a kid together. I hurt to even think that, but I am just want what is best for HIM. I want him to be happy and I dont feel like I am giving him that even when I am giving him my all 😦 We have always had the best communication in the world, we just know what each other are thinking. I just want to communicate to him now that he means the absolute world to me. All I want is his and our child’s happiness…if I could guarantee that for the rest of both their lives I would. I love you Jim, Riley and Baby no name 😀 more than all of the stars in the sky.