Building my Baby

a blog following me through the ups, downs, joys and woes of pregnancy.

Breaking Down.. October 31, 2010

Filed under: Ramblings — shinkmama @ 7:30 am
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I am so miserable. I feel like absolute hell 99% of the time and would not have any reason to be thankful for it if I didnt have a little bean growing inside me. I think “bug” is a better name for this baby, though, since that is exactly like what I have haha; a stomach bug. The mornings are horrible, I puke and puke and puke until the afternoon and then have a lot of episodes after sporadically until I go to bed and start the sad cycle over again the next morning. I feel like I am unable to do even the most simple tasks anymore and I feel completely inadequate as far as “bringin in the bacon” is concerned.

Work has been hard. I havent been able to stay for a full shift in a while, which is an issue for a number of reasons. My manager has assured me that my job is not in jeopardy, but how could it not be with all of the issues that seem to be coming up? I dread being unemployed, but as of now, it seems like only a matter of time before that is exactly where I am. It would be nice to relax and just worry about staying healthy, but having to rely solely on Jim’s income to survive seems selfish to me, I wouldnt want to put him through that. UGHHH!! My mind is just so conflicted.

Last night, I had the biggest meltdown ever. I cried until I was sick again and dont remember stopping before I fell asleep again. I’m just so stressed, about every single thing that I could be stressing about. I just want to feel GOOD! I want my online classes to be as easy as can be so that I can complete it all on time. I want to go see my daddy, I miss him terribly!! But there is NO way I could ever manage that right now, being as sick as I am. I miss him so much. I miss Riley too. So much that it hurts. I cried so many tears for her last night, among everything else. I just feel like I am always going to be missing such a huge chunk of my heart, no one could EVER fill the void that Riley left. I am so stressed about work that I cry every time I think about it, I want to go so badly but I just CANT!!!! Everything just hit me so hard, I just wish that my life could speed up a bit so a few of my problems will pass.

I feel like my life is at a stand still right now and I am not sure how long I can hang in there with everything..I dont know how long I can stay sane without having this baby HERE. There is NO guarantee to myself or anyone else that a whole pregnancy will go on to produce a healthy viable child. I keep catching myself saying “if everything goes ok” and other things that hurt just to say, let alone believe in. There is just no way to say that this is going to be “WORTH IT” yet, as fucking horrible as that is for me to say! I love this little Bug so much already, so it will be worth it no matter what…my pessimism is just keeping me from being too disappointed if I ever have to go through the unimaginable again 😦

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one step forward, a couple back. October 27, 2010

I had an appointment at eleven today that turned out being my first “real REAL” OB appointment. My blood pressure was somewhere around 110/65 and I learned I had lost 2 lbs since last week…not too huge of a deal and not surprising at all considering how my days have been going. We filled out a lot of paper work and signed consent for the downs and spina-bifida testing and they gave me a pack of similac bottles and a pregnancy day planner to keep track of my appointments.

The ultrasound was awesome. I love it when the technicians explain what you are looking at and tell you what they are doing…I want to know EVERYTHING and this tech was more than compliant. She told me the baby was measuring at 7 weeks 5 days and that the heart rate was a strong 154! We even got to hear the heartbeat through transvaginal ultrasound, it was quite amazing. She told me that she believes I ovulated off of my left ovary, which just amazes me really. I just cant believe you could know all of that from an U/S. The tech did notice some “bleeds” below and beside the baby. She said that it will either go away within the next couple of weeks, or it will cause me to miscarry, but there isnt anything that they can do for it. This most likely explains the bleeding I experienced last week.

Neither the U/S tech nor my doctor seemed concerned about the findings, only told me to take it easy and to report any bleeding or heavy cramping immediately. It scares me because of the small little risk of loss, I mean, I have been apart of that small percentile before. I have been that small statistic that causes fear in every mother out there. I want to be so positive and get as excited as I already want to be for this baby! I love it so very much, I’m just not ready for another loss. I guess a summary of today’s appointment is this: the baby is doing great πŸ™‚ we are keeping a close eye on it and I will be going back in on November 11th for another ultrasound and appointment. Hopefully all cases of bleeding have ceased so that I can focus on being sick as hell all the time haha.

My doctor prescribed me some zofran again, but it didnt help in the slightest with Riley. I am hoping that it will work this time or that by 14-16 weeks that the constant nausea and vomiting will ease up like it does for most “normal” women. I want to be “normal.” I need to go buy a case of otter pops and jolly ranchers to help a bit πŸ™‚ Here are a few photos from today!

My lovely little bug, 7 weeks 5 days

Building my Baby-Week 7

 

Hello World! October 26, 2010

Hello! As most of you know, my name is Chelsea. I am married to the love of my life, Jim, and together we’re expecting our second child. Our first daughter, Riley Virginia, was born into Heaven on August 21st, 2009. Everyone touched by Riley’s presence misses her dearly and we’re all excited that Jim and I have another chance at becoming the parents we dreamed of being.

This little bean has already caused A LOT of gray hair for our family; much worth it, of course, but I do feel as if I deserve an easier pregnancy this time ’round. On October 1st, 2o1o, I admitted myself into the ER thinking that my gallbladder had exploded. I found out that there was no issue with that, however, I was pregnant again! The doctors were afraid it was an ectopic pregnancy because of the pain and since we couldnt see anything on an ultrasound yet, I thought my worst nightmare was replaying itself. My HCG count was 338 and I was told to come back in a couple days for additional testing.

On October 3rd, I was again admitted to the ER for cramping. HCG was 900, but the blank screen on the U/S was very discouraging. My left ovary looked as though it might have a cyst on it as well, grreeeat. October 4th HCG 1285, the 5th HCG 1746, the 7th 3152 and on the 8th my current doctor told me that she was not worried that it was ectopic any longer! She said everything looked great and that we should be able to see something on the U/S by my next appointment. On October 12th, Jim and I got to see that little miracle through ultrasound! I was so excited I cried…but I’m likely to be like that every time, I’m sure. All we saw was the gestational sac and yolk sac as well as the start of the pole. By next week, we should see a heartbeat!!!

On October 18th, I was at work when i stood up and felt a gush “down there.” I rushed to the bathroom to see a ton of bright red blood all over and it just kept coming and coming…I immediately left and went to the ER. I was there for nearly four hours without anything really happening, it seemed. They took my HCG levels (they were 57,647 today from 3,152 on the 7th) and gave me a pelvic exam and told me that my cervix is closed. I was also given a rogham shot since my blood is negative. When I left, I was still having some moderate bleeding but it was slowing down a lot…no pain or anything, which would be a little uncommon for a miscarriage. I had an appointment and ultrasound that next day and we got to see the heartbeat! It was flickering away at 128 bpm and measuring atΒ  5 weeks 4 days.

That brings us to today! Everything seems to be going great except for my horrendous case of hyperemesis gravidarum that I’ve been so unfortunate to get again. I really hope that when I switch to a high risk doctor that she will be able to figure something out for me, because living like this is absolutely miserable. Well, I hope this looong first post didnt bore too many people away. Thanks for reading folks!

My lovely bug, 5 weeks 3 days

Building my Baby-Week 6