I am so miserable. I feel like absolute hell 99% of the time and would not have any reason to be thankful for it if I didnt have a little bean growing inside me. I think “bug” is a better name for this baby, though, since that is exactly like what I have haha; a stomach bug. The mornings are horrible, I puke and puke and puke until the afternoon and then have a lot of episodes after sporadically until I go to bed and start the sad cycle over again the next morning. I feel like I am unable to do even the most simple tasks anymore and I feel completely inadequate as far as “bringin in the bacon” is concerned.
Work has been hard. I havent been able to stay for a full shift in a while, which is an issue for a number of reasons. My manager has assured me that my job is not in jeopardy, but how could it not be with all of the issues that seem to be coming up? I dread being unemployed, but as of now, it seems like only a matter of time before that is exactly where I am. It would be nice to relax and just worry about staying healthy, but having to rely solely on Jim’s income to survive seems selfish to me, I wouldnt want to put him through that. UGHHH!! My mind is just so conflicted.
Last night, I had the biggest meltdown ever. I cried until I was sick again and dont remember stopping before I fell asleep again. I’m just so stressed, about every single thing that I could be stressing about. I just want to feel GOOD! I want my online classes to be as easy as can be so that I can complete it all on time. I want to go see my daddy, I miss him terribly!! But there is NO way I could ever manage that right now, being as sick as I am. I miss him so much. I miss Riley too. So much that it hurts. I cried so many tears for her last night, among everything else. I just feel like I am always going to be missing such a huge chunk of my heart, no one could EVER fill the void that Riley left. I am so stressed about work that I cry every time I think about it, I want to go so badly but I just CANT!!!! Everything just hit me so hard, I just wish that my life could speed up a bit so a few of my problems will pass.
I feel like my life is at a stand still right now and I am not sure how long I can hang in there with everything..I dont know how long I can stay sane without having this baby HERE. There is NO guarantee to myself or anyone else that a whole pregnancy will go on to produce a healthy viable child. I keep catching myself saying “if everything goes ok” and other things that hurt just to say, let alone believe in. There is just no way to say that this is going to be “WORTH IT” yet, as fucking horrible as that is for me to say! I love this little Bug so much already, so it will be worth it no matter what…my pessimism is just keeping me from being too disappointed if I ever have to go through the unimaginable again 😦